1
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,203
92 degrees. God!
2
00:00:50,807 --> 00:00:54,482
I want a drink
but I can't be bothered to get up.
3
00:00:54,647 --> 00:00:59,198
I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered
to go down the corridor.
4
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:02,404
This is one of the universal dilemmas,
5
00:01:02,567 --> 00:01:07,004
something which has confronted all men
since the beginning of time.
6
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:10,682
To pee or not to pee, that is the question.
7
00:01:11,647 --> 00:01:17,404
No, I'll just lie here
really thirsty with a full bladder
8
00:01:17,567 --> 00:01:20,035
and try and get to sleep.
9
00:01:25,287 --> 00:01:27,198
Smeggin' hell!
10
00:01:30,407 --> 00:01:34,605
One more time and you get this. Do you hear?
11
00:01:34,767 --> 00:01:39,921
Don't think I don't mean it.
One more time. Just one more.
12
00:01:40,087 --> 00:01:41,486
(PIPE GURGLES)
13
00:01:44,127 --> 00:01:47,403
What did I tell you? Didn't I tell you?
14
00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:52,357
How many times have I told you?
Right. What was the last one?
15
00:01:54,127 --> 00:01:57,358
"Nureek." So the next one will be a "rotut",
16
00:01:57,527 --> 00:02:00,439
and the one after that will be a "hernunger".
17
00:02:01,527 --> 00:02:05,042
Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds...
18
00:02:05,207 --> 00:02:07,277
(ROTUTI)
19
00:02:07,487 --> 00:02:10,240
Now "hernunger".
20
00:02:10,407 --> 00:02:12,443
(NUREEKI)
21
00:02:12,607 --> 00:02:15,838
No, that's wrong.
You've gone out of sequence.
22
00:02:16,007 --> 00:02:19,158
"Nureek", "rotut", "hernunger".
What's wrong with you?
23
00:02:21,607 --> 00:02:25,885
If you're gonna keep me up
all night, just do it right, OK?
24
00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:28,322
(SQUELOOKLEI)
25
00:02:28,487 --> 00:02:33,163
"Squelookle"?
Where does "squelookle" come from? He's new!
26
00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:35,363
(WATER HISSES)
27
00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:42,524
Oh, that's better.
Kill two birds with one shower.
28
00:02:46,047 --> 00:02:47,639
Oh!
29
00:02:49,847 --> 00:02:51,838
OK...
30
00:02:52,007 --> 00:02:53,884
Right, right.
31
00:02:59,687 --> 00:03:02,724
I can't hear you.
You can do whatever you like.
32
00:03:02,887 --> 00:03:05,959
I can't hear a damn thing.
33
00:03:07,207 --> 00:03:09,277
(NUREEKI)
34
00:03:28,727 --> 00:03:30,877
Oh, my goodness. It's Princess Leia.
35
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:34,437
Mr Skywalker went that way, ma'am.
36
00:03:35,287 --> 00:03:38,245
- What?
- It's 1 a.m., ma'am. What are you doing up?
37
00:03:38,447 --> 00:03:40,438
Looking for someone to kill. Volunteering?
38
00:03:40,647 --> 00:03:42,478
Oh, can't sleep?
39
00:03:42,647 --> 00:03:45,036
Have you ever listened to those old pipes?
40
00:03:45,247 --> 00:03:50,480
Nureeking and rotuting and just when you
expect them to nureek again, they squelookle!
41
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,764
It's enough
to make a perfectly sane person crazy!
42
00:03:53,927 --> 00:03:58,637
It's amazing how many people those pipes
have driven to the brink of psychosis.
43
00:03:58,807 --> 00:04:03,039
Mr Lister spent the night in there
and tried to suffocate himself with a sandwich.
44
00:04:03,247 --> 00:04:06,159
Look at this. This is a boys' fridge.
45
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:09,200
Women would never have fridges like this.
46
00:04:09,407 --> 00:04:13,036
Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!
47
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,799
What would you say
to some drinking chocolate?
48
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,682
I'd say, "Drinking chocolate,
get me out of here!"
49
00:04:22,407 --> 00:04:25,205
I can't live like this. I need a bath.
50
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:29,679
I've always hated showers. Ask anyone
what I hate and you know what they'd say?
51
00:04:29,847 --> 00:04:33,760
- You hate showers?
- See? Even you know and you hardly know me!
52
00:04:33,927 --> 00:04:39,126
I need a bath. I need sleep. I need clothes.
I need cottage cheese with pineapple in.
53
00:04:39,327 --> 00:04:42,717
I'm sure the next Space Corps ship
we find will have supplies.
54
00:04:42,927 --> 00:04:47,364
I knew when I joined the Corps
it would be tough in deep space.
55
00:04:47,527 --> 00:04:50,644
I accepted shopping was unlikely.
56
00:04:50,807 --> 00:04:53,685
But then I lost my crew, my ship
57
00:04:53,887 --> 00:04:58,358
and I ended up here with a fridge
full of trainers, two sets of clothes
58
00:04:58,527 --> 00:05:02,964
and pipes that squelookle
when they should nureek!
59
00:05:03,127 --> 00:05:07,405
I mean, I've tried,
I really have tried to fit in!
60
00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:10,718
I even tried learning what offside was.
61
00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:12,918
- Oh...
- (SOBS)
62
00:05:13,087 --> 00:05:17,365
Ma'am, please. I've never
had to comfort a crying woman before.
63
00:05:17,527 --> 00:05:19,563
I'm not familiar with the technique.
64
00:05:19,727 --> 00:05:21,797
Er, hang on. Just processing.
65
00:05:21,967 --> 00:05:23,958
(BLEEPS)
66
00:05:24,127 --> 00:05:29,565
Oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am.
I know the drill now.
67
00:05:30,367 --> 00:05:33,439
- Huh!
- What are you doing?! Get off me!
68
00:05:33,607 --> 00:05:36,917
The Heimlich manoeuvre, ma'am.
It helps women stop crying.
69
00:05:37,127 --> 00:05:39,561
The Heimlich manoeuvre stops people choking!
70
00:05:39,727 --> 00:05:41,843
No, I think you're wrong, ma'am. Huh!
71
00:05:42,007 --> 00:05:45,158
You've just got a corrupted file
in your database!
72
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:48,837
- Well, why have you stopped crying?
- It's really hard to cry
73
00:05:49,007 --> 00:05:51,396
when someone's
doing the Heimlich manoeuvre on you.
74
00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:54,764
- It really puts you off.
- But you're not crying, though.
75
00:05:54,967 --> 00:05:57,527
Well, no.
76
00:05:57,727 --> 00:06:01,436
- So it worked.
- No! It didn't work! It just...
77
00:06:01,607 --> 00:06:04,121
Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
78
00:06:05,647 --> 00:06:08,036
(EXASPERATED) Oh!
79
00:06:08,207 --> 00:06:10,243
Where did it all go wrong?
80
00:06:13,007 --> 00:06:15,965
My life started off so promisingly.
81
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:20,120
Rich parents, good school,
pony named Trumper.
82
00:06:21,807 --> 00:06:23,957
How did I end up like this?
83
00:06:24,127 --> 00:06:29,918
On a ship where the fourth most popular
pastime is watching my knickers spin dry.
84
00:06:30,127 --> 00:06:33,085
Oh, ma'am! No one has ever done that!
85
00:06:33,287 --> 00:06:35,676
Because they don't know when you wash them.
86
00:06:35,887 --> 00:06:38,481
One trailer before
"The World's Stupidest Stuntmen" video
87
00:06:38,647 --> 00:06:40,877
and that laundry room will be packed!
88
00:06:41,767 --> 00:06:46,363
I think you're doing Mr Lister
and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am.
89
00:06:47,327 --> 00:06:49,318
Wow! This is the best load yet.
90
00:06:51,127 --> 00:06:54,676
Just for the record,
I'm only here because I can't sleep.
91
00:06:54,847 --> 00:06:58,396
- I'm doing some laundry to help Kryten.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
92
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:03,800
I'm not here because I'm a sad person who's
entertained by women's underwear spin-drying.
93
00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:06,003
- My God! A G-string!
- Where?
94
00:07:06,167 --> 00:07:07,566
You missed it.
95
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:10,924
I swear! It was black
and really really small.
96
00:07:11,087 --> 00:07:14,284
I'm too mature for this.
I'm gonna read my comic.
97
00:07:14,487 --> 00:07:16,717
Oh, this is a great show tonight.
98
00:07:16,887 --> 00:07:19,799
I may write a fan letter to the manufacturers.
99
00:07:19,967 --> 00:07:23,801
Sometimes I'm ashamed to be with you.
You're completely out of order.
100
00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:28,717
- Since when did you get so mature?
- Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.
101
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:30,639
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
102
00:07:30,807 --> 00:07:35,323
You're just pretending to be mature
to get Officer Bud-Babe to fall for you!
103
00:07:35,487 --> 00:07:38,718
- Everybody knows that!
- Go stick an egg up your nose.
104
00:07:38,887 --> 00:07:40,559
- It's true.
- Isn't true.
105
00:07:40,727 --> 00:07:44,640
- It is. Is! Is!
- It isn't. Isn't! Isn't!
106
00:07:44,807 --> 00:07:46,923
Sirs! What are you arguing about?
107
00:07:47,087 --> 00:07:50,921
- About me being really mature.
- Sir, why aren't you in bed?
108
00:07:51,127 --> 00:07:54,119
The heating system's gone bonkers.
Why? What's up?
109
00:07:54,287 --> 00:07:57,404
Life on board ship
is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.
110
00:07:57,567 --> 00:08:03,085
She's in the midships now, shouting abuse at
the fridge for not having any low-fat yoghurt.
111
00:08:03,247 --> 00:08:07,035
- What's the problem?
- Her quarters are by the sewage processor.
112
00:08:07,207 --> 00:08:11,086
- You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.
- We'll relag them tomorrow.
113
00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:13,403
It's not just that. It's everything.
114
00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:17,355
Not being able to have a bath,
no cottage cheese, no c...
115
00:08:19,607 --> 00:08:21,199
The thermostat!
116
00:08:22,367 --> 00:08:25,279
I swear I set the correct programme! Oh!
117
00:08:25,447 --> 00:08:29,235
Who on earth is going to tell her?
I mean, who...?
118
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,843
- Hi.
- (GRUNTS)
119
00:08:37,047 --> 00:08:39,800
How are you settling in?
120
00:08:39,967 --> 00:08:42,276
Great. Having a ball.
121
00:08:43,167 --> 00:08:45,806
- We'll get you some more clothes.
- Don't worry.
122
00:08:45,967 --> 00:08:49,642
I can wear a sheet
for the next 50 years. I'll be fine.
123
00:08:49,847 --> 00:08:54,045
- We'll fix those pipes.
- If you could just make them go "nureek"
124
00:08:54,207 --> 00:08:57,438
without any "squelookles",
I'd be so grateful.
125
00:08:57,607 --> 00:09:03,603
- We'll stop them completely.
- I'm not used to this, not having stuff.
126
00:09:03,767 --> 00:09:08,045
When I was 15, my brother used to kidnap
my lipstick and hold it to ransom.
127
00:09:08,207 --> 00:09:10,960
If I didn't look good I wouldn't go out.
128
00:09:11,127 --> 00:09:13,595
If I don't look good, I don't feel good.
129
00:09:13,767 --> 00:09:15,644
How do you feel now?
130
00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:19,117
- (WHIMPERS)
- Don't answer that.
131
00:09:20,687 --> 00:09:22,837
I know I've been spoilt,
132
00:09:23,007 --> 00:09:25,567
brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow.
133
00:09:25,767 --> 00:09:28,804
- Yeah, the Gorbals. You said.
- Eleven years in cyberschool,
134
00:09:28,967 --> 00:09:31,640
perfect computer-generated setting,
135
00:09:31,807 --> 00:09:35,083
with perfect CG teachers
and perfect CG friends.
136
00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:38,318
Now I can't even have a bath.
137
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:44,126
Come on. Come with me.
I've got something to show you.
138
00:09:48,887 --> 00:09:52,004
You take my quarters tonight,
and I'll have yours.
139
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,965
I filled an old retro housing with water.
140
00:09:56,407 --> 00:10:01,197
- I don't know what to say...
- And I, um... found this on that derelict.
141
00:10:01,407 --> 00:10:04,001
I was saving it for your birthday.
142
00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:06,840
There's some make-up in there, too.
143
00:10:14,727 --> 00:10:18,163
I can't find her, sir.
I've been searching high and low.
144
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:21,000
Oh! Ma'am. I didn't spot you there.
145
00:10:21,167 --> 00:10:24,045
- Kris is sleeping here tonight.
- In your quarters, sir?
146
00:10:24,247 --> 00:10:28,957
- Yeah, she's gonna have a nice hot bath.
- In here? Without clothes on?
147
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:32,000
Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.
148
00:10:36,447 --> 00:10:41,043
Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk,
and we think it'd be better if you leave.
149
00:10:41,247 --> 00:10:44,319
- Sir?
- We're planning on settling down together.
150
00:10:44,487 --> 00:10:48,116
It started that night she had a bath
in my quarters, remember?
151
00:10:49,367 --> 00:10:51,437
We got you this leaving present.
152
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:55,558
- A keyring.
- With a "C" on it.
153
00:10:55,727 --> 00:10:59,083
- For Kryten.
- But you spell Kryten with a "K".
154
00:10:59,287 --> 00:11:04,281
Oh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed
all your heads. They're in the bag.
155
00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:12,279
You know what it's like, man.
You settle down with a woman,
156
00:11:12,447 --> 00:11:15,723
and they systematically
set about getting rid of your mates.
157
00:11:15,887 --> 00:11:18,879
- Cat's next.
- I've been packing his bag for weeks.
158
00:11:19,047 --> 00:11:22,642
We want to be a proper couple
and have dinner parties,
159
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:26,038
and I think I really should be wearing clogs.
160
00:11:26,247 --> 00:11:29,364
We're a bit embarrassed
of your funny-shaped head.
161
00:11:29,527 --> 00:11:32,803
- You're not human, are you. You're a robot.
- Yeah!
162
00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:37,918
- Oh, hi! You're early. Come in!
- Great to see you!
163
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:40,563
Mwah! Mwah!
164
00:11:51,327 --> 00:11:55,798
I've just seen the future!
Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.
165
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:58,561
- You only have one now.
- Never mind.
166
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,917
- Aren't you mad?
- I'm too tired.
167
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:03,601
I just want a bath and some sleep.
168
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:08,005
Right. I'll be going, then.
After all these years, I'll be going.
169
00:12:08,207 --> 00:12:11,244
- Are you all right, Kryts?
- Never been better, sir.
170
00:12:11,407 --> 00:12:16,401
A keyring with a "C" on it! Unbelievable!
Thank you with a capital "R"!
171
00:12:16,607 --> 00:12:20,282
- What's eating him?
- I dunno. I'll find out later.
172
00:12:20,447 --> 00:12:23,086
Thanks for this. I really appreciate it.
173
00:12:23,247 --> 00:12:26,762
- Hey, no bother.
- See you in the morning.
174
00:12:26,927 --> 00:12:28,838
Right.
175
00:12:29,007 --> 00:12:31,157
- Well, I'll be going, then...
- Yeah. Night.
176
00:12:31,327 --> 00:12:33,795
Right, I'll... I'll go.
177
00:12:33,967 --> 00:12:35,366
- Yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
178
00:12:35,527 --> 00:12:40,840
Right. If you need anyone to scrub your back
or anything, don't hesitate to call.
179
00:12:41,007 --> 00:12:42,406
- I won't.
- Night, then.
180
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,842
- Night.
- Night. Night-night.
181
00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:47,759
(BOOM)
182
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:50,083
What was that?
183
00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:52,477
Hang on a minute. I've got a torch.
184
00:12:57,207 --> 00:12:59,801
- What the hell's happening?
- The generator's down, sir.
185
00:12:59,967 --> 00:13:02,561
I was adjusting the thermo-settings
and it overloaded.
186
00:13:02,727 --> 00:13:06,242
In a few seconds,
the emergency back-up will kick in.
187
00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:08,796
- (HUMMING)
- Ah, thank goodness.
188
00:13:11,727 --> 00:13:13,797
I'll look into it immediately, sir!
189
00:13:14,007 --> 00:13:15,963
(BUZZING)
190
00:13:16,927 --> 00:13:19,157
There goes the back-up!
Now everything's dead.
191
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:23,201
- How come the doors closed?
- When the back-up goes, the doors lock.
192
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:25,483
Prevent fire, reinforce hull integrity.
193
00:13:25,687 --> 00:13:28,406
So what's steering this crate?
Is autopilot down too?
194
00:13:28,607 --> 00:13:31,326
Everything's down.
I wish I'd been more careful!
195
00:13:31,527 --> 00:13:36,237
You mean this ship's careening through space
with zero expertise at the helm?
196
00:13:36,447 --> 00:13:39,041
No change there, then.
197
00:13:39,247 --> 00:13:41,715
We've got to refire the back-up generator.
198
00:13:41,927 --> 00:13:44,487
- That's through the service ducts.
- The what?
199
00:13:44,687 --> 00:13:49,920
Two miles of ventways that wind through
the ship. There's a hatchway in your shower.
200
00:13:50,127 --> 00:13:52,436
- How long will that take?
- Six hours.
201
00:13:52,647 --> 00:13:55,036
- Six hours?!
- Are you OK, sir?
202
00:13:55,247 --> 00:13:58,523
Fine, yeah! Ahem... Yeah. Yeah.
203
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:05,804
The reading last night said a meteor storm
was coming in, but it won't hit us for 12 hours.
204
00:14:06,007 --> 00:14:09,238
We should gather up some supplies,
food and water,
205
00:14:09,407 --> 00:14:12,843
and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.
206
00:14:15,367 --> 00:14:17,164
OK, let's go.
207
00:14:32,287 --> 00:14:37,725
It's so damn hot, it's like being stuck
in a sauna with a fat man on your face.
208
00:14:38,567 --> 00:14:41,604
I don't feel so good.
The walls are closing in!
209
00:14:41,807 --> 00:14:44,446
- Are you OK, sir?
- I need air!
210
00:14:44,607 --> 00:14:46,837
He's claustrophobic. Didn't you guys know?
211
00:14:47,007 --> 00:14:51,523
I'm all right when I know I can get out,
but now we're out in the middle...
212
00:14:51,687 --> 00:14:53,678
- I can't breathe!
- Have a drink, sir.
213
00:14:53,887 --> 00:14:59,007
OK, take a look around. See if we can unscrew
a ceiling hatch, drop back into the ship.
214
00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:03,078
- Let's go.
- My throat's closing.
215
00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:05,238
- I'm choking.
- Drink this.
216
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:08,723
You just need to take your mind off it.
217
00:15:09,207 --> 00:15:13,166
I wonder why Dave -
my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic.
218
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:15,358
Oh, thanks, Kris. That's really helping.
219
00:15:15,527 --> 00:15:19,122
It's not a good time
to hear how great your boyfriend is.
220
00:15:19,327 --> 00:15:21,443
He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.
221
00:15:21,647 --> 00:15:24,081
- What?
- No, we were just good friends.
222
00:15:24,287 --> 00:15:28,246
- No, but you said...
- I didn't want to look like a sad loser,
223
00:15:28,407 --> 00:15:30,477
so I asked him to play along.
224
00:15:30,687 --> 00:15:34,077
- You weren't going out with him?
- He wasn't my type.
225
00:15:34,287 --> 00:15:37,757
But he was well-dressed,
neat, sophisticated, sensitive...
226
00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:40,964
You're so damn picky!
Why wasn't he your type?
227
00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:43,601
- He was gay.
- You see? Picky.
228
00:15:43,767 --> 00:15:46,520
They have to be absolutely perfect
before you're int...
229
00:15:46,687 --> 00:15:48,882
- What did you say?!
- He was gay.
230
00:15:49,087 --> 00:15:50,679
- Gay?
- Yes.
231
00:15:50,847 --> 00:15:53,156
I'm gay in an alternative dimension?
232
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:54,959
- Yes.
- Me?
233
00:15:55,167 --> 00:16:00,446
That's why we didn't date long.
It was his final attempt at working things out.
234
00:16:00,647 --> 00:16:03,036
Wait a minute. You don't think...
235
00:16:05,087 --> 00:16:07,885
Now, hang on. I'm completely straight, OK?
236
00:16:08,047 --> 00:16:12,165
I couldn't possibly be gay.
I can't grow a big moustache for starters.
237
00:16:12,327 --> 00:16:15,239
- It just grows in little clumps.
- Dave, shut up.
238
00:16:15,447 --> 00:16:18,723
- I'm just saying.
- I really miss him. He was great.
239
00:16:20,487 --> 00:16:24,400
Sometimes we used to go to bed together,
and he'd just hold me.
240
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:28,196
- Made me feel everything was OK.
- Really?
241
00:16:31,047 --> 00:16:33,197
Well, actually...
242
00:16:33,367 --> 00:16:35,835
What am I thinking of? I am not gay!
243
00:16:36,047 --> 00:16:39,596
- Don't make a big deal about it!
- But I'm not!
244
00:16:39,807 --> 00:16:43,163
Before the accident, I had loads of gay friends.
245
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:44,959
- So did I.
- Yeah?
246
00:16:45,127 --> 00:16:47,322
- Yeah.
- Friends that you were close to?
247
00:16:47,527 --> 00:16:49,483
- Yeah!
- Name one.
248
00:16:49,687 --> 00:16:52,963
OK, what about... Bent Bob?
249
00:16:54,287 --> 00:16:55,686
Bent Bob?!
250
00:16:55,847 --> 00:16:59,556
Yeah, little guy,
bad toupee, used to work in catering.
251
00:16:59,767 --> 00:17:03,760
That's what you called him, is it?
"Hey, Bent Bob! How's it going?"
252
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:06,356
It was his nickname. It was affectionate.
253
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:10,645
Obviously, we only used it behind his back.
Played poker. Nice bloke.
254
00:17:10,847 --> 00:17:15,523
- He was a really good friend?
- All right, I haven't had many gay friends.
255
00:17:15,727 --> 00:17:18,560
Yes, you have.
You just haven't known they were.
256
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:21,839
- Like who?
- Well, I can only speak for my reality,
257
00:17:22,007 --> 00:17:25,044
but on our ship, Todd Hunter.
258
00:17:25,247 --> 00:17:26,566
- Todd Hunter?
- Yeah.
259
00:17:26,727 --> 00:17:29,685
- He was married. He had kids.
- So?
260
00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:32,355
- He slept with women.
- That doesn't mean anything.
261
00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:34,444
Yes, it does!
262
00:17:36,327 --> 00:17:39,125
Hang on a minute. This is garbage, isn't it?
263
00:17:39,287 --> 00:17:42,324
You made it up to take my mind off this!
264
00:17:44,247 --> 00:17:47,319
You're not really a sad loser
after all, are you?
265
00:17:47,487 --> 00:17:50,206
God, I found that really attractive, as well.
266
00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:54,838
Made me feel all superior and macho.
Not that I don't usually feel macho.
267
00:17:55,047 --> 00:17:57,800
Here, have another drink... heteroboy.
268
00:17:58,607 --> 00:18:01,917
So, your Dave... isn't, is he?
269
00:18:02,087 --> 00:18:03,281
Ah, smeg!
270
00:18:06,647 --> 00:18:11,038
We've found a grille about 20 metres down
which drops down into a supply room.
271
00:18:11,207 --> 00:18:15,837
We can't get through to unscrew the bolts, but
with smaller hands you might have better luck.
272
00:18:16,047 --> 00:18:19,005
- Will you be OK?
- Leave him to me.
273
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,158
I'll be OK.
274
00:18:27,687 --> 00:18:29,484
Drink?
275
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:36,047
Boy, is it cramped! Whoo-ee!
276
00:18:36,207 --> 00:18:40,564
If I was dead,
you could not swing me around in here!
277
00:18:40,767 --> 00:18:42,883
- Cat...
- Talk about cooped up!
278
00:18:43,047 --> 00:18:44,366
Cat!
279
00:18:44,567 --> 00:18:47,639
Oh, sorry.
Not supposed to talk about that, right?
280
00:18:47,807 --> 00:18:49,798
Right.
281
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:57,918
How come you're claustrophobic? Were you born
that way or are you kind of sissy?
282
00:18:58,807 --> 00:19:00,320
- Sissy.
- Yeah?
283
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:03,399
Yeah. Now can we just
change the subject, please?
284
00:19:09,407 --> 00:19:13,082
How comes you didn't get it
when we was in that tunnel...?
285
00:19:13,247 --> 00:19:17,604
I don't always get it!
Just when I know that I can't get out.
286
00:19:17,807 --> 00:19:20,401
Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.
287
00:19:21,487 --> 00:19:24,399
But how come you get it at all, though?
288
00:19:24,567 --> 00:19:30,119
I was 17, working in the MegaMart
part-time as a trolley-parker.
289
00:19:30,287 --> 00:19:33,916
After a couple of months,
I fell in love with cashier number four.
290
00:19:34,087 --> 00:19:38,797
She was 22, with
come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes.
291
00:19:38,967 --> 00:19:44,803
Something about the way she held
her pricing gun made me crash me trolleys.
292
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:49,563
We started seeing each other
in the stockroom at break time.
293
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:53,806
She gave you claustrophobia?
I didn't think you could get it like that.
294
00:19:54,007 --> 00:20:00,321
No. She was married to this bald bloke who
served the fish, ten years older than her.
295
00:20:00,487 --> 00:20:04,162
He was more interested
in his amateur dramatics group than her.
296
00:20:04,327 --> 00:20:07,637
One evening, we snuck into the stockroom
297
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,719
and started making love
on a box of tinned asparagus.
298
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:13,879
After a few minutes -
about halfway through, I was 17 -
299
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:16,402
she said, "There's someone at the door!"
300
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:19,559
I jumped into this wooden crate. It was him!
301
00:20:19,727 --> 00:20:26,075
He asked what the hell she was doing lying
on a box of reduced tinned veg with no kit on.
302
00:20:26,247 --> 00:20:30,604
She said she was trying to get
an all-over tan from the light bulb.
303
00:20:30,767 --> 00:20:35,079
He sealed me up in the box
and said he was gonna drop me in the canal.
304
00:20:35,247 --> 00:20:38,000
I was screaming at him,
pleading, "Let me out!"
305
00:20:38,167 --> 00:20:42,524
I promised him anything,
said I'd never see her again, just let me out!
306
00:20:42,687 --> 00:20:46,885
In the end, he relented,
and I heard the box being opened.
307
00:20:47,047 --> 00:20:50,323
I stepped out... bollock naked...
308
00:20:50,487 --> 00:20:54,685
right in the middle of an amateur production
of "The Importance of Being Earnest".
309
00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:58,122
Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!
310
00:20:59,647 --> 00:21:03,117
I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic.
311
00:21:03,327 --> 00:21:06,080
It's probably not something
he's comfortable talking about.
312
00:21:06,287 --> 00:21:09,438
- He's told me about everything else.
- Not everything, Kryten.
313
00:21:09,647 --> 00:21:12,639
- Absolutely, ma'am!
- Everything?
314
00:21:12,847 --> 00:21:15,361
Before you arrived, nights were long and dull.
315
00:21:15,527 --> 00:21:17,961
Cheese slice snap can only entertain so long.
316
00:21:18,167 --> 00:21:20,476
So what did he tell you about me?
317
00:21:20,687 --> 00:21:23,155
Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am.
Every single detail.
318
00:21:24,247 --> 00:21:27,239
You mean he told you... about the rusty gate?
319
00:21:27,447 --> 00:21:30,245
That was one of the first things he told us.
320
00:21:30,407 --> 00:21:33,479
- We all had a good laugh!
- He told you that?
321
00:21:33,647 --> 00:21:38,198
That I make a sound like a rusty gate
when I'm making love?
322
00:21:38,407 --> 00:21:43,435
No, he told us his grandma
once had a rusty gate, and he helped fix it.
323
00:21:43,647 --> 00:21:45,638
And that gave you a good laugh?
324
00:21:45,847 --> 00:21:48,998
Well, like I say, nights were long and dull.
325
00:21:49,167 --> 00:21:51,283
We were glad of the anecdote.
326
00:21:51,487 --> 00:21:53,955
So he didn't...? OK. I never said that.
327
00:21:54,167 --> 00:21:59,321
Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing
that story under "B" for blackmail,
328
00:21:59,487 --> 00:22:03,116
and sub-category "S" for
"so funny you'll laugh till you're sick".
329
00:22:04,087 --> 00:22:07,716
Look, wig-stand-head,
me and Dave, it's all in the past.
330
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:12,318
So why does he look at you like
a starving man looks at a pack of peanuts?
331
00:22:12,527 --> 00:22:16,156
- Well, it's because...
- Because he wants to get the wrapper off
332
00:22:16,327 --> 00:22:18,636
and taste the salty goodness!
333
00:22:20,127 --> 00:22:23,483
- That's his problem.
- And the way you look at him?
334
00:22:23,687 --> 00:22:25,484
- What way?
- I've seen it!
335
00:22:25,687 --> 00:22:29,362
- What way?
- Like he's cottage cheese with pineapple!
336
00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:31,762
How can you say that?!
337
00:22:31,927 --> 00:22:35,886
I have never looked at him
like he's cottage cheese with pineapple!
338
00:22:36,087 --> 00:22:41,525
Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese,
but never ever with pineapple.
339
00:22:41,687 --> 00:22:43,917
Never. Never!
340
00:22:44,927 --> 00:22:46,246
Have I?
341
00:22:51,567 --> 00:22:54,035
- What's that?
- What's what?
342
00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:56,437
Can't you hear it yet?
343
00:22:56,607 --> 00:22:59,041
Like a... roaring noise.
344
00:23:00,207 --> 00:23:02,198
A roaring noise?
345
00:23:02,367 --> 00:23:05,518
Like a... watery kind of roaring noise.
346
00:23:05,687 --> 00:23:07,678
I can't hear a thing.
347
00:23:07,847 --> 00:23:12,921
It's like water roaring down,
say... a passageway...
348
00:23:13,087 --> 00:23:16,079
in a kind of roaring, watery kind of way.
349
00:23:16,247 --> 00:23:18,397
I wonder what the hell it is.
350
00:23:18,567 --> 00:23:22,606
- Hey, where are you going?
- Kris! Kryten! Recyc water!
351
00:23:22,767 --> 00:23:24,917
Every four hours, the ducts get backwashed!
352
00:23:25,127 --> 00:23:28,358
I think I just solved
the watery roaring noise problem.
353
00:23:28,527 --> 00:23:30,518
- Come on!
- I ain't going with you!
354
00:23:30,687 --> 00:23:33,440
- Why not?
- That's where the water's coming from.
355
00:23:37,607 --> 00:23:40,838
You can be really dumb sometimes,
you know that?
356
00:23:42,367 --> 00:23:44,358
(WATER ROARING)
357
00:23:53,327 --> 00:23:55,795
I hate this! I really hate this!
358
00:24:05,647 --> 00:24:07,080
- What's that?
- What?
359
00:24:07,247 --> 00:24:10,398
- That noise.
- Oh, not again! What noise?
360
00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:12,603
Is it a roaring, watery noise?
361
00:24:12,767 --> 00:24:16,476
No, not that noise.
This is a different kind of noise.
362
00:24:16,647 --> 00:24:22,438
Is it a "Cat being smacked on the head by
a smegged-off Lister's fist" kind of noise?
363
00:24:22,607 --> 00:24:26,043
It's a sort of... swirly... windy...
364
00:24:27,047 --> 00:24:29,925
water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise!
365
00:24:30,087 --> 00:24:34,239
A swirly, windy,
water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise?
366
00:24:36,287 --> 00:24:40,166
The dryer!
The vents get dried after the backwash!
367
00:24:41,447 --> 00:24:43,802
- (WHOOSHING)
- Here it comes.
368
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:48,603
Whooooaaa!
369
00:24:56,247 --> 00:24:59,080
I am not having a good day!
370
00:25:01,087 --> 00:25:03,317
This should take away the rising panic.
371
00:25:03,527 --> 00:25:06,485
- What is it?
- We found a first-aid box.
372
00:25:06,647 --> 00:25:09,286
Lemoplathinominecatholyrite.
373
00:25:11,527 --> 00:25:13,199
Well done, ma'am.
374
00:25:19,047 --> 00:25:21,845
Well, everything considered,
we've made good time.
375
00:25:22,007 --> 00:25:26,398
What if we have to eat each other
like those dudes from that plane crash?
376
00:25:26,607 --> 00:25:30,646
Those were exceptional circumstances.
Their only other choice was airline food.
377
00:25:30,807 --> 00:25:34,800
- It won't happen to us.
- Good. I could never eat a person.
378
00:25:35,007 --> 00:25:38,238
No way I could cook one,
not without my slow cooker.
379
00:25:38,447 --> 00:25:41,803
- What about drinking your own urine?
- That's out of the question.
380
00:25:41,967 --> 00:25:44,242
You never serve urine with white meat.
381
00:25:45,487 --> 00:25:51,039
I hate the dark. It reminds me
of being back in the orphanage school.
382
00:25:51,207 --> 00:25:54,119
The dorm was always pitch black.
383
00:25:54,287 --> 00:25:58,963
The tight sods didn't allow
so much as a night-light, to save electricity.
384
00:25:59,127 --> 00:26:04,076
One night, the lights went out and,
as usual, Squeaky Gibson's bed started up.
385
00:26:04,247 --> 00:26:06,556
Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!
386
00:26:06,727 --> 00:26:11,721
We all threw our shoes at him.
"Shut up, Gibson! We're trying to sleep!"
387
00:26:11,887 --> 00:26:16,881
Anyway, we all settled back down,
and after a while his bed started up again.
388
00:26:17,047 --> 00:26:22,724
Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!
More shoes, boots, trainers, everything.
389
00:26:22,887 --> 00:26:25,276
He just got faster and faster.
390
00:26:25,447 --> 00:26:29,838
Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!
So I got up, snapped on the light,
391
00:26:30,007 --> 00:26:35,240
and there under a mountain of shoes
was poor old Squeaky having an epileptic fit.
392
00:26:35,407 --> 00:26:40,083
I managed to wedge one of my trainers
into his mouth. Probably saved his life.
393
00:26:40,287 --> 00:26:43,962
Cyberschool was so different.
We'd arrive on the first day of term,
394
00:26:44,127 --> 00:26:47,199
put on our total immersion suits
and connect to the mainframe.
395
00:26:47,407 --> 00:26:52,606
Suddenly, there we'd be in a perfect replica
of a girls' boarding school.
396
00:26:52,767 --> 00:26:56,396
We had Miss Brody for English,
Mr Chips for maths.
397
00:26:56,567 --> 00:27:00,003
For history, they brought in Disraeli
and Genghis Khan.
398
00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:03,523
For literature, they let us talk
to Shakespeare and Dickens.
399
00:27:04,607 --> 00:27:07,883
I can't wait to hear
about sex education class.
400
00:27:08,927 --> 00:27:12,124
At 18, when I got out, I went off the rails.
401
00:27:12,327 --> 00:27:17,401
- How off the rails?
- There are the rails. There's me.
402
00:27:17,607 --> 00:27:20,121
That's way off the rails.
403
00:27:20,287 --> 00:27:23,040
- So? What did you do?
- You name it.
404
00:27:23,247 --> 00:27:26,159
- No, you name it. What did you do?
- Well...
405
00:27:26,327 --> 00:27:29,842
- Yeah?
- You want me to write you a list?
406
00:27:30,007 --> 00:27:31,565
Yeah.
407
00:27:31,727 --> 00:27:36,357
OK, I, er...
Well, I smoked cigarettes sometimes.
408
00:27:36,527 --> 00:27:38,722
I wore skirts that were quite short.
409
00:27:38,887 --> 00:27:43,085
- I went to the library and was really noisy.
- Really (?)
410
00:27:43,247 --> 00:27:46,717
No, not really.
I was in real life for the first time.
411
00:27:46,887 --> 00:27:49,879
No protectors. I went insane.
412
00:27:50,087 --> 00:27:52,999
- Really?
- Yeah. I was a retro-punk.
413
00:27:53,167 --> 00:27:54,885
(ALL) Wow!
414
00:27:55,047 --> 00:27:57,641
They say the hardest part
of leaving cyberspace
415
00:27:57,807 --> 00:28:00,924
is realising the universe
does not revolve around you.
416
00:28:01,087 --> 00:28:03,760
Sure doesn't. It revolves around me.
417
00:28:03,967 --> 00:28:08,040
- Absolutely.
- No, I'm serious. Look at the evidence.
418
00:28:08,247 --> 00:28:09,680
What evidence?
419
00:28:09,887 --> 00:28:13,277
Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste.
420
00:28:13,447 --> 00:28:16,359
Even knowing what I'm gonna say
never bores me.
421
00:28:16,567 --> 00:28:19,286
- You and you alone.
- And here's the clincher.
422
00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:23,326
All the interesting things that happened
to me happened when I was there.
423
00:28:23,487 --> 00:28:26,001
Coincidence? Get outta here!
424
00:28:34,527 --> 00:28:37,883
By my reckoning,
we should be halfway across B-deck now.
425
00:28:38,047 --> 00:28:42,484
Boy, is this place hot!
Satan could come here on his winter break!
426
00:28:42,647 --> 00:28:48,040
Hang on. How come it's getting hotter
when the generators have packed in?
427
00:28:48,207 --> 00:28:50,960
- It should be getting colder.
- Ma'am,
428
00:28:51,127 --> 00:28:53,880
that meteor storm, what direction was it in?
429
00:28:54,087 --> 00:28:56,647
- Dead ahead.
- Anything else in the vicinity?
430
00:28:56,847 --> 00:29:00,840
- There's a sun, but that's it.
- We've been knocked off course,
431
00:29:01,007 --> 00:29:03,282
probably due to the generators going down.
432
00:29:03,487 --> 00:29:06,797
We're heading straight into that sun!
And it's all my fault!
433
00:29:07,007 --> 00:29:09,123
- Kryten, it's not your fault.
- It is!
434
00:29:09,327 --> 00:29:13,718
It isn't! You were just adjusting
the thermosettings and it overloaded.
435
00:29:13,927 --> 00:29:18,762
I did it on purpose. I typed in
the override code on the access panel.
436
00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:20,286
What?!
437
00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:24,319
I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!
438
00:29:24,527 --> 00:29:28,645
- Kryten, what made you do it?
- I really can't remember...
439
00:29:28,847 --> 00:29:32,078
- What do you mean, can't remember?
- I'd rather not say.
440
00:29:32,247 --> 00:29:34,477
- It might sound a bit silly.
- Say it.
441
00:29:36,007 --> 00:29:39,522
I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.
442
00:29:39,727 --> 00:29:44,357
Well, it would be one of those "no-clothes"
baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back,
443
00:29:44,527 --> 00:29:49,123
and before we know it, he's wearing clogs
and you're having Gelfs round to dinner.
444
00:29:49,327 --> 00:29:53,206
And what would happen to me?
I'd be on my own again!
445
00:29:53,407 --> 00:29:58,197
- Oh, Kryten!
- (WHINES) I was just so scared!
446
00:29:58,407 --> 00:30:01,956
- Let's get out of here.
- We're not going to make it!
447
00:30:02,167 --> 00:30:03,486
- We are!
- How?
448
00:30:03,687 --> 00:30:05,996
We're gonna catch some surf!
449
00:30:06,607 --> 00:30:09,724
- OK, here it comes.
- So how do you hang ten?
450
00:30:09,887 --> 00:30:12,606
Just get into position! Here it...
451
00:30:16,087 --> 00:30:18,647
(EVERYONE SCREAMS)
452
00:30:27,567 --> 00:30:29,444
(CRASH)
453
00:30:29,607 --> 00:30:31,598
(SCREAMING)
454
00:30:45,527 --> 00:30:48,439
Oh! Thank God we made it!
455
00:30:50,087 --> 00:30:51,884
Oh, God!
456
00:30:56,887 --> 00:30:58,718
(THUD)
457
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:06,717
How? How?
458
00:31:06,927 --> 00:31:08,963
I, er... I, ah, er...
459
00:31:10,127 --> 00:31:11,446
Oh.
460
00:31:13,927 --> 00:31:17,920
That's it. We're fried, unless someone's got
some terrific sunblock cream.
461
00:31:18,087 --> 00:31:21,921
Not necessarily, ma'am. I excluded the doors
from the shutdown override
462
00:31:22,127 --> 00:31:26,040
- in case... (SQUEAKS) anything happened.
- (DOOR HUMS)
463
00:31:26,207 --> 00:31:31,645
You mean we spent the night crawling
through this ship for absolutely no reason?
464
00:31:32,647 --> 00:31:37,767
It was all pointless? You put me through
that nightmare when we could just walk out?
465
00:31:39,487 --> 00:31:42,763
Well, we've got some serious reversing to do.
466
00:31:42,927 --> 00:31:47,842
We'll talk about this
over a cup of coffee and a hot branding iron.
467
00:31:51,167 --> 00:31:54,125
- Well, night.
- Aren't you mad, too, ma'am?
468
00:31:55,327 --> 00:31:58,080
You're not, are you? I think I understand.
469
00:31:58,247 --> 00:32:01,045
For you, the trek was far from pointless.
470
00:32:01,207 --> 00:32:05,598
It was an emotional journey where you gleaned
invaluable insights into your crewmates.
471
00:32:05,767 --> 00:32:07,519
This was your rites of passage.
472
00:32:07,687 --> 00:32:12,636
You feel wiser and bonded by this
in a way that you never thought possible.
473
00:32:13,807 --> 00:32:16,924
- Say "nureek".
- Nureek.
474
00:32:17,087 --> 00:32:18,839
- Say "rotut".
- Rotut.
475
00:32:19,007 --> 00:32:20,725
- Say "hernunger".
- Hernunger.
476
00:32:20,887 --> 00:32:22,206
- "Nureek."
- Nureek.
477
00:32:22,367 --> 00:32:23,686
- "Rotut."
- Rotut.
478
00:32:23,847 --> 00:32:25,166
- "Hernunger."
- Hernunger.
479
00:32:25,327 --> 00:32:26,646
- "Squelookle."
- Squelookle.
480
00:32:26,807 --> 00:32:28,126
- "Rotut."
- Ooh! Rotut.
481
00:32:28,287 --> 00:32:29,606
- "Nureek."
- Ooh! Nureek.
482
00:32:29,767 --> 00:32:31,086
- "Hernunger."
- Hernunger.
483
00:32:31,247 --> 00:32:34,045
"Squelookle. Nureek. Rotut..."
484
00:32:37,767 --> 00:32:41,077
there's no kind of atmosphere
485
00:32:41,247 --> 00:32:44,478
486
00:32:44,647 --> 00:32:47,844
487
00:32:48,007 --> 00:32:50,601
488
00:32:50,767 --> 00:32:54,396
489
00:32:54,567 --> 00:32:57,843
490
00:32:58,007 --> 00:33:01,158
491
00:33:01,327 --> 00:33:04,603
492
00:33:04,767 --> 00:33:07,361
493
00:33:07,527 --> 00:33:11,122
494
00:33:11,287 --> 00:33:14,120
495
00:33:14,287 --> 00:33:18,326